i had a relapse today. it was bad. the scary thing is, it was bad compared to how good things have been this year, but compared to things in the past, it was meh. it’s amazing how quickly we can adapt and accept new normals. i remember when cutting every day/week was normal. i’ve been a cutter for about twelve years, and it has never worried me the way it worries other people. i honestly cannot empathize with how alarmed people get. to me, it’s just skin opening and blood and then it scabs and then it heals. i mean, i’ve also been branded before, so cutting to me has the same impact as any other body modification.
anyway. i had a rough morning, a subsequent breakdown, and at some point when i was crying hysterically in my kitchen with pieces of glass all over the counter and the floor, and a bleeding arm, i decided that mayyyybe it was time to reach out to someone.
my people who know what i’m talking about know how goddamn hard it is to reach out to someone. and say what? “help, i can’t stop crying”? “help, there’s glass all over my kitchen floor”? “help, i’m partaking in a dash of self-mutilation”?
we keep thinking we’re bothering them, they’re too busy, it’s not a big deal, we should be able to manage this alone, we suck because we’re shit at managing this alone, as evidenced by the glass and the blood and the hysterical crying.
but we have to force ourselves to do it. we have to make it a habit. we have to get over our fears, because like i’ve said before, those little voices in our heads telling us all these things are a) liars b) trying to kill us. at least in my case, they are. i was sitting there and i realized that i was in the same chair in which i made a suicide attempt seven months ago.
yo, when God wants me to die, They’ll kill me Themselves.
until then, i’m reaching out because i need to live. i have shit to do, lives to change, and all that. i’m busy.
Word. I love how we were both having breakdowns on the same day and going through the same problem of working up to call someone. And then I called you =)